“What’s it like to be the spouse of an alcoholic,” I ask?
It is sheer hell. It is never knowing what you will come home to, who you are going to bed with, who you are sitting at the dinner table with. Will it be the pathetic and overcompensating Dr. Jekyll,
or the despicable Mr. Hyde? It is feeling nervous all the time, and second-guessing who you are, and what you know to be true. It is being lied to, disrespected, yelled at, blamed, and humiliated.
It is watching one’s family fall apart, in slow motion, unable to stop the pain that you know your children feel. It is living with secrets and shame. It is holding back when you want to scream. It is not knowing why you stay. It is living the best years of your life with a partner whose world revolves around a bottle. Bourbon, vodka, scotch, no matter, you always know in one split instant, over the phone, or in person, you know what they work so hard to hide. Their speech slurred, argumentative, provoking, sloppy, or depressed; you feel lonely and angry all of the time. They ask, “What is wrong with you?” and “Why can’t you be normal?”
Untreated alcoholism and addiction dismantle and destroy a family. Undo it. Rob from each person in the family in ways forever lost. Active addiction is selfish. It is narcissistic. Active addiction thinks only of itself, and what it wants. It tolerates little. It is not patient, nor kind. It lives in a thick cloud of denial, and slaps everyone else in the face. In a committed relationship, or a marriage, it is easy to lose sight of who one is because of the alcoholic or addict.
We live in a culture inundated with alcohol. An alcoholic is not necessarily a person who is jobless, or homeless living on the street. We all live among alcoholism and addiction. It is all around us. If we think otherwise, we are being naïve. A person who is an alcoholic often can function for a very long time quite well. They can work in successful jobs, pay their bills, and live within satisfactory relationships for years, even decades. But then, things begin to happen. The consequences of their actions start to come into light, or catch up with them. They might get sick, overdose, lose or quit a job, or get a DUI. They will have excuses. Lots of them. They can be charming, pathetic, and manipulative. You will watch in disbelief as they blame everybody else for everything that is wrong with their lives, except for themselves. They will jeopardize the people they love, and then be angry at us, while we are angry at them.
Active addiction is a vicious cycle filled with pain. To be the spouse of an alcoholic is to live a lonely life. It is to show up to things alone, or not to go at all. It is to live as if on a teeter-totter. It is overcompensating, always. It is trying too hard, and then getting blamed for not trying hard enough. It is compromising relationships with everyone else, especially your children, and including yourself, to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. It is picking up the slack, making excuses, and pretending that something is what it is not. It is being filled with anger, and having to learn how to not let your own anger destroy who you really are. It is losing oneself in the nightmare of what it is like to live with an alcoholic.
There are warning signs. For years there are warning signs. Most people do not see, or do not want to see, what they later come to realize existed all along. Every occasion that was supposed to be happy that turned into an argument. Patterns. Anger. Confusion. Saying nothing, for the sake of the family. Saying too much. Holding in, holding back, and holding up the weight of the family. Being the responsible one, the designated driver, the one who makes sure the doors are locked, and the lights are off at night. The one who takes the emotional and verbal abuse that they think they can get away with.
What holds people together? Cultural and family values, beliefs, traditions, religion, vows, family, children, finances, security, fears, insecurities? A spouse of an alcoholic gets sick too. They get sick with resentments, disappointments, and dashed dreams. Without help, or treatment, each person gets left with what feels like an empty husk of a life. Treatment offers hope, and life. Good treatment programs give lives back. They connect and heal people. Recovery is learning how to live in love, peace, and gratitude. For anyone, recovery equals life lived in hope.
There are many questions one might ask as the spouse of an alcoholic. Don’t you love me? How could you do this to our children? Our family? Why won’t you change? Why can’t you stop? Do you think I’m stupid? What does this mean for me if you won’t change? What if you do change? What happens next? What can I do? Should I stay? Should I leave? Do I even love you anymore? Respect you? Why am I staying? What am I willing to do? Maybe nothing. Maybe everything. Maybe it’s too late. Maybe I never give up. What do I tell the kids? Do they know? Maybe I cannot really see the forest through my own set of trees.
More and more questions. A myriad of doubt. Why do I enable? How do I enable? They say that addiction is a family disease. What the h*** does that mean? I’m not going to Al-Anon. Why should I? I’m not the one who needs it. I’m not an alcoholic. I’m not the one with the problem. When will you grow up? Shouldn’t you be coming home after work instead of hanging out with your friends? When will you reach “rock-bottom? What is “rock-bottom?” Why are you so full of pride? Why are you so stubborn? Will I find you dead? How much longer can I take this? How do I get you into an alcohol rehab treatment center? Why don’t you want help? Why won’t you talk to someone? Can’t you see this is a problem? When will you stop ruining our lives? Should I leave you? How can I leave you? What about our children? Will you ever change? Why can’t you see how much this hurts us? What if you never stop? What if you never get help? What if you don’t change? What do I do then?
What is it like for you? If you are the spouse, or partner, of an alcoholic, and struggle with not knowing what to do, we want to hear from you. You don’t have to suffer in silence. Ask for help. There is hope, and there are others who share the pain you feel. You are not alone.
